Bad Dog
by PlotOfLife
Summary: I have three rules. One, always carry a copy of the Oxford Dictionary. It's good for bashing brains in. Two, little girls are evil. I must avoid them at all costs. Three, never drive in the rain. Guess what? I broke all of em'. OCx?
1. ZOMG pink!

This is only my second attempt at writing a fanfic, so attempted murder is not appreciated!

Warning: Cussing, mention of death, skankiness, and a pedophile ahead(no touching or rape, perverts). Read at your own risk.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, the Oxford Dictionary, Madagacar, Old Spice, I Like to Move It(though I do sing it a lot), or anything else besides the OC's in this. **

* * *

There are three rules I've made for myself. As long as I follow them, I can be sure to succeed.

**1) Always carry a copy of the Oxford Dictionary with you – It can be used to bash brains in.**

**2)Little girls with cute faces are invariably evil. _Invariably._**

**3) Never, EVER, under _any_ circumstances, drive when Noah's Flood is being recreated. Your parents will die in a car crash and you'll be sent to Konoha to live with your Aunt.**

My dictionary has been confiscated.

I'm living with the most adorable little girl ever born.

#3 _happened_. Need I say more?

My name is Inuyoshi Umeko. Umeko translates as 'Plum Blossom Child'. 'Inu' means dog, and 'yoshi' means good. So Inuyoshi translates to 'good dog'.

Woof-woof.

I'm currently living with good ol' Aunt Hitomi in Konohagakure, a nice 'family' town. And guess what? It's my first year of high school! In a new town! In a new school! Hell, in a new _life!_

Auntie happens to have two other kids living with her. Foster care. Bringing unfortunates together since…Whenever the heck it was invented.

The first one, Chouko(means butterfly - go figure), happens to be about six, and an early bird.

* * *

"Nee-chan, nee-chan!" Why am I moving? It's not like my bed suddenly developed the desire to fly, has it?

And who's shrieking in my ear?

"Oomph," I mumble, shoving one hand out to whack the 'someone' bouncing on my bed, _hard_.

"Whaa!" The tiny kid is propelled away from me, and promptly starts screaming, "Nee-chan hit me! Nee-chan hit me!" I manage to get my glasses on in time to see the back of a brunette head disappearing through my door.

"Good riddance."

"You're such a meanie, nee-chan!" Chouko possesses superhuman hearing. Maybe she's a demon after all…

Well, thanks to Little Miss Shrill-Voice, I can't go back to sleep. Might as well get up.

Rumpled little me gets out of bed very gracefully.

No, I was not tangled in sheets, and ended up falling flat on my face.

No, I did not cuss under my breath and proceed to stumble to the bathroom.

No, I did not walk into a wall because my eyes were closed. On the contrary, I was as graceful as…as…A ballerina! Yep, that's me, the chic in a tutu!

Okay, so ballerina was a bad example.

A voice intrudes on my whimpering and self-pity after I _do not_ walk into a wall.

"What's the point in wearing glasses if you're eyes aren't open?"

"Shut it, Emo!" That was the other foster kid, Satoshi. For those that don't know, Satoshi means 'clear-thinking', 'quick-witted', 'wise'…

Just about everything I'm not.

"'Shut it, Emo'?" he asks, one eyebrow vanishing in his mess of black hair. "The depth and reasoning behind your statements never fails to make me doubt your intellectual status."

I mean, heck, I'm pretty dang smart, but I'm definitely no Satoshi.

There is, however, one awesome part of his name.

"I don't have to take crap from you, Wise Guy," I snap, dancing into the bathroom and slamming the door.

Hah! You get it? Cause his name means smart, and he's a genius, and…Yeah, I'll shut up now.

Satoshi never can come up with a comeback for Wise Guy (partly because I never give him the chance). I win!

So maybe the triumphant, "Boo-yah!" was a bit unnecessary, but he left me alone, and I got to shower, so I count it as a success.

* * *

I poked my head out of the bathroom, looking left and right. No-one there…

Ninja time.

See, all I had on was a towel, and while some lucky people don't have to worry about being too revealing in those fluffy white things, I happen to have a chest.

Not as cool as you'd think.

Concentrate, Ume! Tip-toe, come on, you _are_ a ninja! Move it, move it, mo-! Hey! I like to move it, move it! He like to move it, move it! She like to move it, move it! We like to, MOVE IT!

_Concentrate!_

"Why, hello there, Ume-chan!" Freeze time.

Crap.

I turn my head slowly, watching the sick, twisted jack-ass leaning casually against the wall. Enter Auntie's boyfriend.

"Uh… Hi?" It comes out as a question, but heck, you try getting caught in a skimpy towel by your perverted, pedo-…relative of a sort. It will creep the hell outta you too.

"'Hi' indeed, Ume-chan. So, it's your first day if high school, huh?" He's moving closer – Too close for comfort. So, I take a step back. He keeps coming. I keep my mouth shut – Screaming for help would mean admitting defeat, which I never do.

"Tell me, Ume-chan, do you finally have a boyfriend? 'Cause if so, I'm installing cameras in your room. Might get to see a little somethi-"

For the record, I didn't cry, or scream, or faint, or punch him in the face. No, I just kicked him where it counts and got my sorry butt to my room.

Why don't I call child protective services on his ass? Because I'm a stubborn _bitch, _who doesn't know how to accept help, that's why.

* * *

Twenty minutes and a lot of grief later, I'm on my way school, dressed in a white blouse-type vest, ripped jeans, and an untied black tie (no uniform – Boo-yah!). My dark green eyes were glinting behind…You know those glasses the 'evil, smart, and calm' anime/manga dude always wears? Yeah. I have those glasses too. Pretty cool, huh? My blondie gene seems to be acting up, since my now-dried long hair is shining brightly and boldly.

But nowhere near as boldly as that kid across the street.

The first thing that crosses my mind is, "Pink hair." Bright, bubblegum pink. No way that's natural! Said hair is also very short, and tied back with a strip of bright red ribbon.

The second thing that crosses my mind is, "Pink outfit." More of a magenta/hot pink than her hair. Low cut, well-fitting tank top and _short_ denim shorts, with burn-your-eyes-neon boots and white hoop earrings.

Apparently, my surprised whistle drew her attention, 'cause she turns around. One look at my sky-rocketing eyebrows and mocking grin is enough to make her scowl.

"You got a problem?" she yells, raising one fist threateningly. My grin widens a bit.

"No way, boo-boo. Just think my eyes might be watering…" I raise one hand in a 'shield my face' gesture, and bust out laughing at the look on her face. "I mean, seriously, who are you trying to impress?"

That sobers her up a bit. A pink tinge creeps over her cheeks, and I stop laughing abruptly, jerking upright.

"Wait a chicken-wing-flappin' minute! You mean to tell me you're actually dressing like _that_ to try to _impress_ a _guy_?" My jaw is somewhere around my stomach region.

"Why the hell shouldn't I be?" Pinkie's looking defensive. Oh boy.

"You look like a slut!"

"No, I mean, why shouldn't I be trying to impress a guy? I like him, okay! Not your problem!" My head shakes incredulously. How the hell does she not know this?

"We've both got ovaries and vajay-jays, right boo-boo? Well, as a fellow female, it is my business, dammit! Guys should be trying to impress us, not the other way around! Try playing hard to get for once!" Hasn't anyone told her this before? According to her sudden thoughtful expression, a giant, shrieking 'NO!' is called for. I'm frankly stunned when she crosses the street and walks next to me. A fellow bearer of ovaries. Voluntarily walking next to _moi_.

I think hell just froze over.

Then she's offering me her hand, awkward flush from our conversation lingering, but her green eyes are blazing.

"Haruno Sakura." I watch her face cautiously. Then I look at her hand. Her face. Now her hand. Now back to her face. Now back to her hand. Now back to her face.

Old Spice moment, anyone?

Finally, I carefully – Oh, so carefully – take her hand and give it a firm shake. Surprisingly, our friend the pink ska-I mean, _Sakura_-has a strong grip. Now that she's closer, I can see the muscles in her arms.

"Inuyoshi Umeko." She sniggers. Joy to the world. At least she has the decency to try to hide it.

We walk a few more minutes in silence.

"Say, Sakura-chan, have you ever considered boxing?"

"WHAAAT? No way, then Sasuke-kun would _never_ like me!"

"Oh, so his name's Sasuke, huh?"

"SHUT UP!"

* * *

So, what'cha think? Reviews, suggestions, and general stuffs are very much appreciated.

Sorry about the slow start, I couldn't resist including her messd-up "family." Yes, pedo will be dealt with a bit further on. For now, he's helping me keep Ume from being a total Mary Sue. He's there for you to hate him, so go ahead.

More will be added(hoefully) soon. Spread the word, ma peeps!

P.S. Boo-boo is an affectionate term(used sarcastically in this case) that I stole from my old gym teacher. Vajay-jays was another fave of hers. *sniggers*


	2. Pinapple Heads and Pervy sensei

Greetings, friends. I am such a dweeb for uploading the second chappie the day after the first one, but I don't care. And neither should you.

Ohayou gozaimasu means good morning.

* * *

"So, let me get this straight."

"Straighten away, boo-boo."

"You have a total cutie for a little sister-"

"Technically, she's my Aunt's foster daughter. For now."

"Big deal. You have a cute _cousin_, and you hate her guts for no reason?"

"Hey! I do _so_ have reasons! How the heckatootie should I know what she's hiding behind that pretty smile? She could be a serial killer for all I know!"

"…"

"What?"

"Ume-chan."

"What'cha want, boo-boo?"

"This is a six year old we're talking about."

"Sure is."

Sakura stares at me for a minute, before shaking her head incredulously(Me big girl! Me use big word!). No comment is made.

"Exactly."

"You're insane, you know that, right?"

"Thank you, Captain Obvio-Wow." What can I say? I have a short attention span. As you've probably noticed. Besides, I can claim innocence on this one. KonoHigh(as it's affectionately nicknamed) is flippin' _huge_. As in, huger than yo mama's~you know what? I think I'm gonna just let that thought trail off into the sunset with the girl it just saved from the villain.

See what I mean about short attention span?

Where was I? Right, big school. Honestly the first thing I came up with was, "I am sooo gonna get lost." Because that invariably happens to me. I have nooo sense of direction whatsoeva, ma peeps.

Maybe I shouldn't have had that giganto cup of coffee…I'm gonna have to pee, like, _very badly_ later.

Ohmygosh KonoHigh is flippin' huge. (Definitely too much coffee…)

"Ume-chan?" Sakura interrupts my internal ramblings, which is good, because they could've ended up making me crazier than The Joker in _The Dark Knight_ (my fav movie ever, hands down).

"Wha?" I ask, because honestly, I have no figgin' idea what the heck she was just asking me.

"I said, 'Can I see your schedule'. Honestly, what's up with you?" I rummage around in my black hole of a backpack, shoving aside a few sketchpads and cases of pens.

"Uh, overdose on cheap crap that calls itself coffee," I mutter, distractededly poking a clump of something green and fuzzy. Is that mold..?

"Not sure how to respond to that…Oh, is that your schedule?" Her long nail, pink of course(and probably professionally manicured), comes into my field of vision, pointing at a crumpled ball hiding in the a sheltered corner.

"Boo-yah! Wait, this ain't a schedule…" My triumphant war-cry turns into a disappointed mumble. I push my glasses higher on my nose so I can scan the lyrics typed across the wrinkled, creased, and generally abused piece of paper. "Oh…" My eyes widen fractionally in recognition (Again with the big words – Dang, I'm on a roll!). "I sang this for last year's talent show at my old school! Hah!" My grin was probably bigger than a peeled banana. Honestly, the audiences' reaction was pee-your-pants-laughing worthy.

"You sing?" Sakura's surprise is insulting, so I give her my hurt-puppy face.

"But of course, my dear Pinkie! Are you insinuating that an artiste such as I would lack musical ability!" She sniggers, and I mock glare. "This is no laughing matter, green-eyed fiend! My skill surpasses all that lives and breaths!" By now, the skankily dressed chic is openly laughing. Ahah! I _can_ be a comedian! Take that, Robin Williams!

I attack the contents of my bag in the continuation of the epic search for my schedule. Dang, I really need to empty this bag out. Like, before the toxic waste that _has to be buried in there _causes some kind of mutation and the thing kills me in my sleep.

Can you tell that I watch too much sci-fi?

"Prove it!" I jump when Sakura yells at me. She isn't laughing anymore, but something in her face frankly scares me. Maybe it's the visible evil intent, or maybe it's just the massive amount of pink. Both make me want to run for cover.

"Uh…Prove what?"

"That you can sing, baka! This song. You sing it. Right now."

"Didn't you want to see my schedule? Bipolar. Besides, it sounds better with a guitar, boo-boo…Ahah! I knew you were in there!" The last bit is said to…Drumroll, please…My schedule! I finally found it! Boo-yah! Take _that_, toxic waste! I wave the crumpled sheet in the air and let out a whoop. Hey, I think I deserve that much!

"Hey, _Forehead_! Who's your friend!" The shout echoes out across the schoolyard.

"_Shut it, Ino-Pig!_" I look over in the general direction Sakura's glaring. Okay…Slutty blond, Pineapple-Head, and Porky. Joy to the world. The trio waltzes on over. Well, 'Ino-Pig' runs over and starts a growling contest with Pinkie – Static crackling between them and everything. Pineapple hair and Porky just sort of…Follow.

The dude with the spike-do raises an eyebrow, which I take as a "Who the heckatootie are you?" Something about him just screams 'Lazy'. Maybe it's the slouch…

"Inuyoshi Umeko. I bet we're all gonna be best buds!" I give em' a cheesy grin and steal one of Porky's chips. What? He doesn't need it!

"Hey! That was mine!" I give him a puzzled look.

"No it wasn't."

"Yeah it was!"

"Well then, how'd it end up in _my_ stomach, huh?" I glare at him frostily.

"'Cause you stole it from me!" I have to admit, toying with Porky was fun.

"Are you accusing _moi_ of being a thief?" My voice rises in indignation.

"Enough already! You two are getting on my nerves… Umeko, you owe Choji a chip." Guess Pineapple-Hair isn't all that patient.

"Alright, alright! Jeez, don't strain yourself. And it's Umeko-_chan_, boo-boo." Pineapple-Head ignores me, plonking his lazy self down under a tree. His head tilts up, watching the clouds. I plant my backside next to him. "What's your name?" He ignores me – Again – so I naturally do the mature thing.

I give him a good hard poke in the head.

"Hey! I'm talking to you!" Poke, poke. "Answer me, dammit!"

"Nara Shikamaru. Jeez, you're such a pain…"

"Now that wasn't so hard, was it?" I pat him on his spiky head and turn to his buddy. "So…Choji…Has Shika-chan always been like this, boo-boo?" Choji finally stops glaring at me – Boy knows how to hold a grudge – and chuckles at my nickname for Shikamaru, who is, of course, ignoring me.

"Pretty much(munch), yeah. Same goes for (munch) them. (munch, munch)" I look over where he's pointing, at Sakura and Ino, who appear to be exchanging death threats..

"Weird…I would've thought of them as more of a 'Sluts United' thing. Huh." Guess even _I_ can be wrong.

"They used to be best friends when we were all really little. Then they both got that dumb crush on Sasuke, and…Well, you can see for yourself. What a pain…" I glance at Shika.

"Is that so…Well then _you_," here I turn to face Choji, "Lied to me, boo-boo! You said they'd always been like this!" I turn on the puppy-dog eyes. "Why would you do that to me, Choji-kun? I _trusted_ you, and you…you..." I pull up my legs and curl into a fetal position, burying my face against my knees.

"Umm, Ume-chan, are you…All right..?" Awww, Choji-kun is such a sweetie-pie! Oh man, a giggle fit is just _waiting_ to happen. Here it comes…here it comes… I disguise my snorts as loud bawling…

And the bell rings.

I pop up, bright and cheery and conspicuously tear-less.

"Well, it was nice meeting you wackos, but I gotta run! See ya!" I peck 'em both on the cheek and speed off to class, leaving behind a loudly complaining Shikamaru and a _very_ confused Choji.

Note to self: Give me a pat on the back later.

We~ll, it seems that I have Health first period, according to my handy-dandy schedule. Not to say that I trust the darn thing. I wouldn't put it past that piece of paper to be lying to me just to get revenge for being next to a bit of mold – which I _swear_ I saw moving.

Now, why would the schedule be lying about this particular subject? Because, of course, Health is on the top floor.

And there's no elevator.

Have I mentioned KonoHigh is flippin' huge?

So, I'm currently wandering around on the highest floor, trying to get my breath back, and I am sooo lost.

Then, I see this spiky-haired blond kid walking around yelling to himself about his 'pervy health teacher picking the top floor just to be irritating'. Looks like this is the kid to follow.

* * *

Maybe not. He's got a worse sense of direction than _me_. And that's saying something!

"Hey, you!" I call, running to walk alongside him. "Do you have any tooty-frooty idea where you're going?"

"'Course I do!" he yells. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto, and I never get lost! Believe it!" My eyebrow shoots into my hairline.

"Uh-huh. That's why you've been wandering around for the last three minutes."

"That's got nuthin' to do with it!" You're in denial, boo-boo. "Whoa, wait a second, have you been following me?" he gives me the OMGIACSP look. That stands for Oh-My-God-It's-A-Creepy-Stalker-Person. If you didn't know that, you're a loser. Just sayin'.

"Only to try to find the stupid Health room!" I yell at him. Moron.

"Uh-huh. I bet you're really an obsessive pervert like the Old Man, and you just couldn't resist stalkin' a handsome guy like me, huh?"

"Wipe that cocky grin off your face, you creep!" I shout, him giggling and running into a room. I look at the number, then at my schedule. They match.

Somehow, miraculously, Naruto actually led me in the right direction.

I sigh and push my glasses up on my face, walking in tiredly. Guess the caffeine high is wearing off…I see a weird, white haired old man, who seems to be yelling at Naruto for some reason.

"Ohayou gozaimasu. Are you Jiraiya-sensei..?" I interrupt their conversation, giving Blondie a look. You know, it might be hypocritical of me to call him Blondie, since I'm blond too…Okay. New nickname for Uzumaki. Blue-Eyes. Cause dang, those suckers are big and shiny.

Back to the topic. Jiraiya turns to me, and Blue-Eyes runs off to the back of the room. His initial annoyance at being interrupted turns into inappropriate _interest_. That seems to be centered around my woman parts.

Oh, ye gods smite me now, my Health teacher is a mega-pervert.

I look over at Naruto, who appears to be sniggering. "Coward," my eyes scream, "You're a man! Come and save the damsel in distress, dammit!"

'Course, he doesn't. Douche.

By the time I finally finish dealing with Pervy, the room's filled uo, and the only seat left is next to – You guessed it – our favorite Blue-Eyed moron.

Literally the second my tush hits the chair, I get a text. My eyes flick up - Sensei is in the front of the room, I'm in the back. The text reads:

**Sakura: UR Sngng 4 us after skool 2day.** My teeth grit. Who does she think she is? I type:

**Ume: Whos us?** Five seconds later, I get:

**Sakura: me n some friends. come on, it'll be fun. promis :)** She'll never leave me alone until I agree.

**Ume: FINE. remind me to kill you later.** I flip the phone shut.

I really wish I had an Oxford Dictionary right about now.

* * *

So... What'cha think? Reviews, suggestions, flames, tear-downs, etc. are all welcomed. In particular, I want some suggestions as to what Ume should sing. Remember, this is Ume, and the audience's reaction was funny, so think fun things! Leave any thoughts on the subject!

Love ya!-PlotOfLife


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